Tremulous, trembling heart
Deep sighs,
Wracked by waves of kaleidoscopic merry-go-round nausea
Nervous system lighting up, senses alive
Edges blurring, blending, bending…
BREATHE.
Steady, feel the earth beneath, settle in
Wave upon wave upon wave upon wave upon wave…
Wave goodbye to the shiny image of you on the surface, resistant but resolute
Desolate in this quiet, hollow space where your heartbeat reverberates
The breath rasping in my ears, equipoised between splintered parts, observing….
Music creeping into my consciousness, drumbeat-heartbeat-drumbeat-heartbeat
My body unwinds, responds, dances in space in place, arc’ing in crescendo
My sinew and strength the strings of a violin in the musician’s weathered hands
BREATHE.
Surrender. Reliquish. Release with abandon.
Not abandoning, never abandoning.
That child. Wild child. Full of wonder. Wild woman. Wonder woman. Why, I wonder.
All the discarded pieces. All the pieces I stubbornly cling to.
I climb into the lap of the grandmother and I cling. I’m held. She sings.
I feel the humming vibration of her voice in every cell.
I lay myself bare, lay at her feet, lay down my burdens and my sorrows,
In this stream of consciousness I see it.
The babbling brook of bullshit that I drink from. The poisoned well.
Well, well, well.
I purge, and feel the surge as it leaves my body. Stomach clenched into a ball.
BREATHE.
Bewildered, bemused, humbled, amazed, ALTERED.
Feel the rising warmth and glow of my womb, growing larger
Expanding beyond the borders of the universe, shooting light in every direction
The contractions, release and rebirth.
Receding to the pulse of the earth’s rhythm welcoming me back home
To my ancestors, my children, all the loves I have loved and lost and have yet to meet.
Together. We are all here together.
I’m here. I remember. I remember you. I remember me. We will re-member us.
Wave upon wave upon wave of love, gratitude, understanding.
Forgiven not forsaken.
Woven together in the soil under the surface tension of the water. Intertwined.
Time bending and blurring, whirring by.
The realization that I am slipping away, slipping back,
The mycelial tendrils still gently grasping my feet but no longer pulling.
So thirsty, soaked and spent and gentle.
Tremulous, trembling heart.